I am Strong, but I am Tired

The title of this post "I am strong, but I am tired," was something I had seen on facebook on one of those inspiring message things or what not. This had me reflect upon myself. I would like to think that I am strong in a mental and sort of physical sense. However, there are times that I feel weary and worn out.

I suppose one of my discussions with my friend I told them that my biggest flaw is that I do not reach out to people when I should. It's ironic and a bit sad that for me I feel that I should help raise up others before fixing myself. To which I guess this could lead to me feeling worn out and barely having anytime to "fix myself." However, I suppose in a way I find ways to deal with what weighs me down. I guess one way is that I spent time self reflecting and somehow this restores me somewhat. Although, I know that this is not entirely healthy but it is something that I am trying to work on day by day to help become the man I want to be.

One memory that comes to my mind is when I had just started my new job as a full time pharmacist and not as a resident. The beginning of my job where I was struggling greatly to get used to the new system and the fast pace of the clinic. There were many frustrations along the way, one being that I would be at work much later than most people. I think it was somewhere around 9:30 or 10ish, I was finishing and leaving the clinic. I was catching up on notes and whatever else I could to get ready for the next day. I remember one night I was there late and as I was typing a note I felt a great anger, or rage at how unfair it was that I was still there and how I wasn't sure if I could keep this going. I think I pounded my fists on the desk a couple times in frustration, thankfully no one else was there in the clinic to hear or see me. After a few moments I had collected myself and kept going until I finished for the night. Each day after that I kept trying to improve myself and adapt to the fast pace and the clinic computer system. Which leads me to today, I've been at that job for about 2 years now and got used to using their system. I am still leaving late, but not as last as I was before. I also found ways to deal with the barrage of stress and curve balls that the clinic and patients throw at me. In comparison I would like to say that I had grown a lot in many ways in these past 2 years, not only clinically but also as a person.

Unfortunately, during that time that I had mentioned earlier I did not really share this with anyone. If people asked me how my job was going or how I was, to which I would reply with "Its fine.. or busy." I know that this is probably expecting too much of others but sometime I would wish that someone would say "is it really fine, are you ok." Possibly one thing that would limit me from sharing what is bothering me is that I do not want to burden others with my problems or I'm embarrassed that I'm having this problem. Embarrassed in the sense that I'm thinking that normal people shouldn't have this issue.

That's probably what I can coherently go on about since I'm feeling a little tired despite I still have to try to work out tonight. Although I continue to take each step forward in my life to improve myself in little ways, while at the same time helping others and ensuring that they can smile and laugh in life.

Odd thoughts on late night...

Recently I have found myself feeling off and not knowing why. At first I had thought it was simply loneliness as I have been living by myself in South Dakota for past year. It may have been at first, however I'm feeling it more and more as my residency is coming to a close. Perhaps it's a mixture of sadness and fear from being away from home so long.

It may be a homesick feeling but that what it may have been at the start. Although as time went on perhaps it became something much more. I think its a fear of knowing how much home has changed for me. Not only my home but my friends and family. Since starting pharmacy school and my residencies I have not lived at home, with the exception of holidays, for about six years. In that span of times I have seen changes in my friends and family.

One thing I notice every time I come home is how much older my parents look to me and I always wonder how I never had noticed it. Also issues with my extended family's health which my mom has kept me informed is something that seems surreal as I haven't been home to see it first hand. I'm also surprised at the changes that my friends had went through as well. Perhaps this is what a soldier feels when they come home after a long tour of duty. I'm glad to be done with my residencies to finally come back to California, but maybe I'm feeling an underlying fear.

A fear of since my friends have gotten so used to being without me that they no longer need me. Likely these are ridiculous thoughts, but it can be hard to not think that when I'm home and try to hang out with people and everyone else seems to be busy with their own lives to hang out. A selfish thought I know, but it can only deepen my feelings of loneliness and isolation since this was a path I chose for myself. At times I wonder if I resigned myself to this fate. Just some lonely musing on this late night as my insomnia keeps me prisoner.

Anger...

Random late night thought I had...
Feelings of anger and wrath are interesting emotions we feel. What I find interesting is our actions when one is feeling anger. Anger can come about in many different situations, ranging from arguments to reactions to other people's actions. There have been times when I'm upset and angry that I do and say things which I don't mean. Most notable that I am aware of are arguments I had with my mom. I found that when I got older I use the logic side of arguments to help me win or show my side is valid. Although to my dismay I use it in a very nasty way. I use the logic to make the other person realize how wrong they were for what they did and how my way makes sense and how the reverse makes no sense whatsoever. I even did this even when I was in the wrong and the scary thing was how I still won the argument. Unfortunately, I learned at how nasty I could be was when I made my mom cry not once but a couple of times. After those times I am more aware of when I'm in arguments to be mindful of keeping my anger in check, to some it may seem like I'm overly sensitive and guilty, or even admitting defeat.

There are times when we are angry that we may say or do things that don't make much sense. At times we may be "in the heat of the moment" when we say certain things and sometimes those things may or may not be hurtful. My previous example was I used hurtful words. Some people may say that if you never meant to say something why did you say in the first place? An interesting thought and would be better if we all gave some thought before we spoke. If we really tried to understand the other person or use empathy perhaps we would not be so upset or angry. Perhaps the act the person did may not have made sense or perhaps it was a way to get your attention as they may have been feeling left out. Or perhaps there are deeper things going on that may be difficult to discuss during an argument. In an ideal world we would all try to speak with a gentle tone or in a non-accusatory way to better gain insight for the action that was taken. As the reader I would like you to recall the last argument you were in and reflect on the times you were in the wrong and when you were in the right. In arguments we tend to request less and demand answers more as we are upset with the act that occurred. Now when you were asked why you did something if the reason was embarrassing and you knew you would be ridiculed further for it would you truly state it? Just an interesting thought we all should try to take next time we get into disagreements. 

An interesting thing about anger is that one can wield it as power against another. When I made my mom cry I found that I abused that power quite badly and was shocked that I did so. I was shocked because I did not know that something so dark could come out of me, since given my personality I would not expect to do that to anyone to make them feel terrible. An interesting thing I read is you can judge a lot from a man by the way he wields power. The example I read was observe how he treats people in the service industry ex. waiters/waitresses and does he treat them well or does he abuse the power to make himself look good. A quote that comes to my mind is by Abraham Lincoln "nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."

Just some thoughts I had on this late and stormy night, I should get to bed as its late.....

Fried...

Not sure this odd feeling I've been having for a while now perhaps I'm feeling burned out from my residency. Or it could be some odd reverse seasonal affect disorder. Could it be that I am feeling a little bit of depression, not quite sure. Maybe its that I'm feeling homesick since I haven't been home for 5 months. The feeling is something is not right and that I'm feeling off my game as it were. There are times I'm finding difficult to concentrate and to stay motivated, there are a few times I've played in my head where I wish I could get away from it all. There are times it takes me some moments to collect myself to keep pushing forward. Not sure if this makes any sense but this is a thought I wanted to document so that I can review again and see some past thoughts. It could be that I miss the familiarity of home and my friends and family. I know that I have made new friends with some of my co-workers here and my co-residents. However, it is the thought of how I won't see them after this year which could also be contributing to this hanging sadness I feel. It may also be how I don't know how much I should trust them to help me in my times of need as I've only known them for so long. It could be that I miss the dependability of my group of friends back home. How that they would be up for whatever random stuff and how I could always depend on them to talk it out. I know that there is technology to which I can use to reach out. Although, I think there may be a slight fear I have in the back of my mind which may keep me from doing that. Guess my bad experience with my ex is what contributes to this, as she told me that they were there for me and whenever I did reach out to her I was either ignored or told that I should stop complaining and get over it. I know I shouldn't let the scare of my past pain me but on these late nights it can be hard not to feel those past pains. A few more months and I'll be done, is what I keep telling myself to help keep me going.

Thoughts

Wow so many posts in so little time, guess it must be saying something about my state of mind. The exhaustion, insomnia, headache isn't helping my concentration and neither is my stress. Although I was able to talk to my mom about various things which was good because it helped a bit. Unfortunately I'm still in the habit of not telling her the full story since I do not want her to worry.

This headache haze especially now is not pleasant. It's making my mind drift to unpleasant thoughts as well. How unfortunate that I happen to be on my blog to write this stream of consciousness. It must be my homesickness I'm feeling but I miss my family and friends. So much so that I've been reflecting on the term friends. A scene I always think of when I think of my friends is one from Tombstone with Kurt Russel and Val Kilmer as Wyatt Erap and Doc Holiday, the scene basically is Doc Holiday has TB and is out helping Wyatt get revenge for his family. In the old days there was not much in the way of treating TB aside from rest and Doc Holiday was out riding horses and running about, the scene has Doc coughing up a spell and another character asking him why is he doing this for Wyatt and that he should be in bed. Doc's response is that "Wyatt Earp is my friend", the other character replies "Hell I got a lot of friends" to which Doc replies with "I don't." This scene has always had a powerful influence on me since I don't really have much in the way of good friends. I've seen fake friends come and go throughout my years and it saddens me when I know that I'm "not really" friends with someone. An example is someone whom I thought was my friends during pharmacy school, he was my drinking buddy essentially and one who got me into drinking IPA beers. This was similarly true with my other friends I met in pharmacy school, since I do not keep in touch with them at all. This makes me regret at how awkward I am towards others and can't seem to hold onto new friends. Which is why I suppose with my group of friends that I still keep in contact I try to do as much as I can to help them. To them it may seem odd, but for me its because I treasure my friendship with them that I'm willing to do what must be done to help them out all within my power. I would like to think of all the friends I still keep in touch with as my best friends. Hopefully they share the same sentiment otherwise it would sadden me. Much like Holden from Catcher in the Rye, I'm saddened to see how many phony adults are out there and how they say call me if you need anything. I question if they truly mean it because why would anyone want to help me. It could be that I try to give so much that at times I forget to look inward and think about taking care of myself. Don't know if this makes any sense. Well whatever, I should get ready for bed its going to be 3 and gotta wake up by 7...Bye

Late night musings/reflections...

Must be the lack of sleep coupled with my insomnia and headache, but some random thoughts I thought was interesting to document my thoughts...

There are times I wonder why I'm so sensitive and care too much for others. Even my patients I've found I care too much and  try to do more than I should. A character trait of which one could call my particular character flaw. My parents were always concerned that others would take advantage of my kind nature. There have been times I realized this and felt saddened when this happened to me as I was growing up. Something that I have noticed is how people deal when they are in power. You can tell a lot from a person's personality based upon how they will use power. An interesting example I've heard is see how people treat those in the service industry since they are there to serve you. If they treat them well then you have someone who will utilize power in a gentle manner without abusing it. Although if the person mistreats them and doesn't respect those in the service industry then they may use that power to destroy and to bolster their own ego. Again it's late and I'm in insomnia mode so if this doesn't make sense that's why. A thought that I had is that am I too kind to demand what I want or to use the power when I have it to make it known how I should be treated. Must be past experience with being bullied growing up that makes me feel that perhaps I deserve the treatment I'm getting. Irony is how in life when I've tried to get some things or ask for things I'm denied it. This can be confusing for me because the things that I'm denied/rejected or pushed back makes me wonder if I ever will get what I want. A morbid thought indeed. Although it makes me wonder that could be contributing why when I'm asked "what do you want" I'm always puzzled a that question. Since it would seem that my experiences in life how when I ask for certain things I don't get it and it's always an unreasonable request.

Another tragic character flaw that I have or perhaps what irks me the most is when I'm ignored. It could be that my past two ex's utilized this as passive aggressive acts against me. Instead of talking to me about the issues that there was they played with me and would ignore me. One thing that annoys me with technology is how impersonal it is and how one can use email, text, or messaging to talk to people. An annoying thing is getting an email/text/instant message and then replying to it awaiting an answer. Call me old fashioned but I would've thought that if you phrase an email/text/message a certain way then I would naturally respond, I would know the "conversation is over" when there is closure to the discussion. Although most times my ex's wouldn't close the conversation only making the start of the conversation in a cryptic fashion where there was an issue, when I try to message back I don't get anything and even calling they wouldn't answer. Even when brought up when I saw them in person they would deny it and make it seem like my fault that I didn't make an effort to fix what was discussed. Guess this is why I like to have my important discussions in person or face to face so the tone and facial expression can be assessed and that one can have better closure to the conversation.

There's probably other thoughts that will keep me up but I figure i should make attempt to sleep at 4am. Farewell my random readers...

Ugh...

Oddly enough this is the first post that I'm doing during the middle of the day. Although with my messed up sleep schedule and lack there of it could very well be considered a "night post."

Just wanted to document for myself how crappy of a week this was for me to show my future self stuff I was able to overcome.

A majority of this week was spent trying to catch up on finishing a presentation regarding my residency project as well as finishing up medication reviews. I had about 11 to do and on average they take 4 hours. Add on top of that was I was not sleeping well and on Sunday to Monday got maybe 30 minutes of sleep since I kept tossing and turning.

Essentially each day was quite a trial, I felt I barely had anytime to do anything fun much less recuperate. Most days after work was spent trying to do some medication reviews with sporadic 20-30 minutes nap at my desk or on my sofa. In addition to finishing up my project stuff which I'm not even done yet so that's what I'll be working on today and tomorrow.

Overall quite a busy and crappy week, was so busy that I could barely talk to my mom since I had so much to do. Still trying to recuperate whatever I can do today before jumping back into the meat grinder. Anyways have no idea if this makes any sense got a bad headache and still feeling the roughness from this past week...So ugh is an appropriate title for this post If I remember to at all or if my mind is not too fragmented I'll try a better post but this will have to do for now...