Happiness Is...

Looking through movie quotes instead of doing my essay and I found this one from Closer. The scene is with Clive Owen as Larry and Jude Law as Dan talking about happiness.

Dan: "Everybody wants to be happy."
Larry: "Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm that they're depressed. If they were happy they wouldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing."
(Closer. 2004)

After looking at that quote and reflecting about it, I started to think about what happiness is to me and to other people in the world. Do people truely want to be happy or do they want to feel depressed. Is the happiness that one observes not genuine, but something others fake so that other people won't feel awkward around them. For me I do genuinely feel happy when I'm with other people and having fun. I really do enjoy that, but when I'm sitting alone in my room I start to think and that starts to get me depressed.

So lately I've been thinking about what happiness is to me. I guess to me happiness is that warm fuzzy feeling I get when I'm with friends. The happiness allows me to have fun with friends and enjoy myself. Although when I think that my friends are doing well I find out that not everything is well and then I start to feel depressed because I try to make sure everyone has a good time. Since I hate it when I hurt people, makes me start to think whether or not if I should revert back to my shy/loner self since that way I wouldn't be able to hurt others.

This results in me being depressed, so I guess for me there is a balance between my happiness and depression. So if I'm depressed for a long time then I'm due for some happiness and vice versa. I do agree with the quote since when I'm happy, that euphoria only lasts for a while and when I start thinking about the world I start to feel depressed. Since when I think about my problems and how that out in the world my problems seem like nothing, so that keeps me from complaining, but it does make me feel depressed.

Lately, I've been having some ups and downs but mostly downs. Although I've enjoyed the few ups that I've had which is good I suppose. I guess saddness and depression is something that will never completely go away, sort of like a mental illness, you can think that you're over it but you're not completely over it. When I'm depressed the world seems so much greyer and it feels that I'm apathetic to the world. Like I'm almost numb to the world, except I only feel saddness and a few pangs of happiness here and there. At times I feel like crying, but its not that I don't want to, its that I can't. All I can do at most is just get teary eyed and that's it. Crying is a good way to get out all the negative things that build up in someone, but what can you do when you haven't cried in the last four years. Hugs do help, even though I rarely do hug people since I don't know if they're comfortable with it. Since all the hugs that I've received I was the one accepting it and not the one giving it. Oh well, I guess I always have my squish pillow that I can hug.

Wow this is a very depressing post, I must apologize to the readers if they've become depressed as a result of my post.

Edit: My speaker in my left headphone is still broken, aim hasn't been working all day, plus I think I'm coming down with a cold >_<

Nonsensical Rants and Reflections

Hmmm...haven't posted in a while so I guess I'll just post what's been on my mind lately. *Sigh* midterms are this week and next week. I guess around midterms and stuff I tend to get a little bit depressed/sad/ very reflective. Since I tend to think about a lot of things besides the midterms and stuff. For example I think about life, my life specifically, and whether or not if I'm living it correctly. In addition to this I tend to think about the people in my life and stuff. So I caution the reader that this is a long post and is quite depressing.

Lately, I've been thinking about how I was able to meet the friends in my life. Since for the greater part of my life I was a loner and did not really get to know anyone. Although, could it be that I was a loner that I didn't get to know anyone or is it that I don't want to bother burdening people with me and all my problems, if any, but yeah this is one thing that has been kinda bothering me.

Also lately, I've tried to remember how I've met all my friends and write it down somewhere so I can read it when I get old. In high school generally for me I met people by hanging out with the same group of people and eventually I started to hang out more and more with the same group of people and became good friends with them, which I'm quite thankful for. Although for college it is sort of hard for me to remember how I met everyone since I didn't know anyone else here except Rajiv so I had to try to make new friends on my own, which is quite difficult for me. However, on this I've been thinking what is it that make people become friends with complete strangers? How are people able to feel comfortable with someone they've never met before and become friends. When I first came to UCR I didn't know anyone in my hall except for Rajiv. So to my friends in my hall I was a stranger to them. Although as the quarter slowly went on I got to know these people and became friends with them. I just wonder what makes people start to feel comfortable around someone to the point where they can hang out and have fun. Could it be that they enjoy the company of that person that they start to feel more and more comfortable with them or is it that one person sees that they can use the other. *sigh* Its that darker side of people that makes me depressed since one does not know if they are being used or not. I don't make friends so that I can use them, I make friends so that I can hang out and enjoy their company.

Anyways on to my next rant/reflection. How everyone in this world are inherently selfish. Even though people may not like to admit it, to a degree everyone is selfish. I'm selfish, and I think that I delude myself into thinking that I'm not by trying to help others. Its a very depressing thought that everyone is selfish and only looking out for themselves. For me I try to look out for others, but I don't know whether if I'm deluding myself again. Since people can only be so nice before they expect something in return for being so nice. Although I don't know about myself whether or not if I expect something in return for being so nice. I mean I enjoy being nice to people because when your nice to people they tend to be nicer to others and those people will be nice to other people and so and so forth. I'll probably figure it out about me someday.

Is it possible to be surrounded by people, yet still feel alone. Since at times I do feel alone even though if I may not show it. At times when I'm with a group of people I just feel so small, alone, and insignificant in this big big world. Also it seems that many people have a confidant to talk to about stuff, and I don't seem to have any. Maybe its that I don't want people to burden people with my problems, since I think I'm able to deal with them by myself. I also find that there are a lot of things going on without me knowing, since I tend not to know anything until its too late. So that kinda depresses me because I want to help people out, but I can't do a thing if I don't know about it. As a result I feel bad since I want to make sure that everyone is ok and doing well, but I guess no one can know everything.

Edit:
One speakers on my headphones just broke, i'm sad now -_-

Aches and Pains

Sometime last week I felt really really down as a result of something. Upon reflecting of when I felt that sad, I found it interesting just how sad I felt. I probably could've posted when I felt down/upset, but then I think I would sound really really whiny and I dont' think anyone wants to hear that. So I guess now that its been a couple days since me feeling so down, I suppose I'll reflect upon why I felt so down/sad. Read on if you would like to hear or if your're really bored, otherwise you shouldn't concern yourself with this. I'm just writing this stuff so that later on I can read this and reflect upon it later on in my life.

Its interesting how one little thing that happened to me would cause so much saddness in me. How one little event opened up so many old wounds in me. Let's see that little thing was when I knew that I did really really bad on my calc quiz. My initial reaction was that I was upset for doing so badly, since I understood the material I just made stupid mistakes. Then I went through the typical down or sad feeling everyone has when they know that they did bad on any test/quiz.

Although the saddness that I felt did not go away after sometime, even when some people tried to cheer me up I still felt really sad. I guess for some reason the event of me doing bad on that quiz caused many old scars to open back up within me. With that the saddness only grew larger within me. Once I got back to the dorms I just sat at my computer listening to music and trying to do an essay, which instead of doing it I reflected upon the saddness I was feeling. My mind kept going back to many past mistakes that I've made and that I regret and it kept playing them over and over again.

Then I started to get a little depressed as the night went on. I guess the reason why I felt more and more depressed as the night went on was that I also thought of depressing thoughts too. Such as, how everyone one in this world is only one little insignificant being and that all our actions that we undertake are considered to be nothing. Another depressing thought that I thought about was how no one really cares what you are or what you do in this world. That everyone is only looking out for themselves and not caring about anyone. I felt really sad and scared that I would even consider such thoughts to be true. That night I almost even cried, but since I haven't cried in about four years it was hard to start all of a sudden so I sort of tried to deal with my saddness by going for a short walk around the dorms. After my walk I sort of felt a little better, so I tried to work on my essay only to not work on it at all and staying awake to around 3ish. Although before I signed off to sleep I found that some people had tried to im me asking what was the matter. That also helped in making me feel a little better because it dispelled the thought that no one cared about anyone in this world. So thanks to the people who im'ed me asking if I was ok you know who you are.

Whew what a long reflection, if anyone stayed through the whole thing then thanks for taking the time to read this reflection.

Ranting

Living in the dorms is quite fun and the people here are great, but there are some things that I don't like about where I live. More specifically the location of my room in the hall which is at the way end of the hall. There are few advantages of having a room at the end of the hall and many disadvantages. For example since my room is at the end of the hall and most of the people I know are at the front of the hall no one will come and visit me since I'm so far away.

The Advantages:
1) You only have to worry about one neighbor's noise level while your trying to study
2) Since most people are lazy they won't come bother you if your trying to study or do hw
3) You get exercise by having to walk all the way back to the room after going to class or something

The Disadvantages:
1) How everything in the hall is so far away from you
2) The long walk to and fro the room after coming back from class
3) Having to run back to the room if you forget something for class
4) The lack of visitors because people are lazy
5) The long trek to the bathroom and back
6) The even longer walk to the bathroom if one forgets something since they have to go back to the room to get what was forgotten

Oh yeah, another thing that annoys me is that if you kinda know someone, but not that well, and you see them walking down the hall and you look at them to say hi they either look away to avoid eye contact with you or they turn their head to look at something else. Well, this was a very nonsensical rant if you took the time to read it then I congratulate you for taking the time to read this.

Actions

I'm quite sure that in everyone's life they have regrets for something they have done. They could have said something or done something that once they look back upon that they regret doing it. Although what would cause someone to regret having done such actions. I suppose its because of that action that it somehow hurt others or hurt themselves. Since that action is over and done with that individual regrets not having taken a different path with their action.

In my life I regret doing a lot of things. If I got a chance to see myself do an action that I regretted I would not hesitate in slapping myself for taking such an action. I guess for me the reason why I regret things I've done in the past is that it hurts the people that I care about. The regret I feel is also intensified since I hate hurting anyone that I care about. So to the people whom I've hurt in the past due to my stupid actions I would like to say that I'm sorry.

One thing that I don't like about stupid actions that I regret is the effect of that action after one performs it. Since that action can cement that image of you in other people's minds on what kind of person you are. Although perhaps if you did something stupid that you regret in front of people who've known you for a while. Then I guess those people can dismiss that stupid act and still have that image of the real you. Unfortunately, if you do something stupid that you regret with people who haven't known you as long then the image that you built up in their mind is erased and replaced by the one stupid act you did and always hold that against you. Which reveals just how fragile someone's image is to others. I know I probably shouldn't care too much about my image, but I guess I care a little bit. Anyways, I might go more into this subject later if I remeber to, but right now I'm gonna go to sleep. Goodnight.

Drowning out the World

I find it interesting how many people find ways of drowning out the world and finding their own little world. There are many ways that one can go about doing this: drugs, alcohol, music, etc. People may want to drown out the world for numerous reasons. They may be stressed with the world and need to get away from it for a while. Another reason could be that the person just wants to drown out everything in this world and just be someplace where they can feel like that they are more than just one person in this huge world. Or the world has gotten too sad or depressing so people need to forget the fact that they live in such a world.

At times I find that I drown out the world. The method that I use is with music from my cd player. All I need to do is just pop in a cd, click play, and turn up the volume and I'm in my own world. Since I can't hear anything around me, so I guess I only care about whats in front of me. For exmaple, right now I'm listening to my cd player right now as I'm writing this entry. Things may be going on around me, but I don't know about it until someone taps me on the shoulder or shouts really really loud.

The reason that I would drown out the world is probably because at times I want to forget that in this world I'm only one insignificant person. Although I rarely feel like that, but one would probably be able to tell since I would have my headphones on listening to music.

Wow, what a depressing entry I guess its probably due to the gloomy mood since its been raining a lot lately.