Self Evaluation...

An interesting thing I find myself doing whenever I'm really bored is that I evaluate myself. Evaluting myself according to how others would view me and the opinions they might form from my actions and such. Yea I know its kinda weird but for most of high school I was so concerned with what other people thought of me. I suppose I kind of want to show myself that it doesn't matter what others think as long as I'm myself. I do apologize for grammatical errors or other things but its about 3:10 am and I felt like blogging.

One thing that I consistently notice myself doing is that I kind of have poor conversational skills since sometimes my brain isn't working as fast as it should so I cannot come up with the appropriate things to say. Its only after the conversation is over that I'm able to come up with a good reply, kinda like how you come up with a great come back to an insult after the insult has been said and the insulter has left. Unfortunately, some of my conversations do not last that long and end up in what most people call awkward silences, but I call comfortable silences. So as a result of this I think it would make people prone to bring along others when they are with me so that there are little periods of silences. Although I'm not sure if I kinda weird some people out because of that. The sad thing is that I've kind of been able to identify when my conversation is slowly dying with the person I'm talking with. So one thing I hope to get better at is improving my conversational skills.

My level of shyness has been decreasing which is good since now I'm in an environment that is full of new people. Although I do have some shyness still in me, but there are times where I just hang back and just enjoy the mood/atmosphere. I still do have some trouble approaching new people but I'm slowly getting a little better.

There are probably more things about me that I have yet to notice about me, but I'll probably revisit this topic again. Keep in mind this is how I think other people might view me, I may be wrong or right. Anyways I'm getting too tired and gonna go to sleep. night...

Rant Rant...

I'm just going to be ranting in this post so whatever things that sound unreasonable its because I'm ranting.

In this world I'm not surprised to see how people almost always respond quickly to an order or demand, whether it be from a boss or a customer. On the other hand when people make requests or ask for some little thing to be done its more than likely ignored. For most of my life this has happened a lot. Typically I ask some little thing and many people tend to ignore me or say some excuse. Like I ask "could you ..." and I would get the reply "Sorry I'm too tired..." The reason I believe for people doing this is its because of my "nice" nature so they can simply brush it off saying "oh its just Marcus." Maybe it sometimes feels that I do a lot of stuff for others but seem to get little in return. Granted I don't mind because of my helpful nature but sometimes I think what if I was to not help out so much. That would more than likely get people's attention because it might be like "Marcus can you ....?" and if I were to be that mean/unhelpful I would say "no.."

This happens at work for me since I do a lot of crap for the servers because they ask me to help them out and I do. I know that helping out the server would expedite the whole service for the customer. Although I've noticed how much I do for the servers but little the servers seem to do for me. Most of the time I get "thanks" or "thanks a lot" or my favorite "I owe you one." The last one is my favorite because I don't think many people understand that phrase. Since that means if one were to tally how many times someone said that then you could essentially get them to do stuff for you until all the times they owed you was evened out. Everytime I go to work I almost always anticipate the servers to ask me to do a lot of stuff but I doubt that they will remember half the things I do for them. Althought when I started working the servers were cool and actually noticed how hard I worked to help them. They would try to do things to help me out. Or going so far as giving me an extra $5 tip in addition to the tip out the servers have to do when they check out. Unfortuantely for me all those servers have quit so I'm left with people who are jerks and treat me like crap.

I don't even know if any of this makes and sense at all. I'm just ranting just to get it out of my system so I don't go crazy.

Donated Blood...

Whooo.... finally got to experience the donating of blood. I must say that its an interesting thing. The whole giving blood part wasn't as bad as the waiting for it. Since there were alot of people who were giving blood when I went. I think for half the time I was waiting I was thinking how much it would hurt. Then I think when the time came for me to give blood I was meh and it didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Although it did feel kinda weird when they put the needle in me and started to drain the blood. Since I felt the typcial pain of a needle much like a shot or blood test. Except the needle remained in me for x some odd minutes. Anyways yea I think I should end here since I'm starting to feel a little light headed and sleepy. So hopefully my body will be able to synthesize enough red blood cells to replace the pint of blood I donated. yay blood!..

Mind Wanderings...

Haven't been posting for a very long long while. In the span of time that I haven't posted my mind has comtemplated about many things and I'm going to try to see if I can remember most of them.

It's hard for me to believe that in a month and two days I'll be 21. Actually its kinda hard for me to believe that I'm as old as I am. Since this past weekend I saw my kid brother have a screen name with the numbers 94 after it. I'm wondering what's the 94 mean? So I ask him and he tells me its when he was born, and I was like crap that's right. After that moment I felt really old, even though I know that I'm 8 years older than my kid brother. More moments that make me feel old is that when I'm at my club meetings since one club I'm in, Circle K (not the gas station), there are a lot of freshmen. Its kinda interesting to see their inexperience of some things compared to my experiences. Although it only contributes to myself feeling really old.

At times I'm both axious and excited about my birthday in a month and two days. One thing that I'm excited about is that I'm turning 21 and be able to buy alcohol and gamble in casinos. The thing I'm worried about is the alcohol part, since I know that drinking is always a part of college and stuff like that, but many times have I been pressured to drink and been able to not drink. So I suppose I'm afraid of drinking when I don't want to drink but "forced" or "obligated" into drinking. I know that it sounds ridiculous, but that's how I feel about drinking.

Another thing that has been recently on my mind and I've probably talked about in a few past posts before is about being "nice." For me being nice to people has been important for me since I know just how mean the world is. So I want to show others that there are few people who haven't fallen to the cruel world. Although lately I've been wondering why should I always be the nice guy when most of the time I get crap thrown back in my face just for being nice? I'm probably known by many people as the shy, nice guy. Which was evident in most of my junior high and high school yearbooks, since many people seemed to write the same thing.

So I'm not sure if I should stop being nice entirely because it seems this cruel world accepts mean people and abhors the nice people. Also something I think I heard from a movie or something, was that when people first meet you if you're nice you won't be remembered at all except for being that "nice guy" from whereever. Now if you were a jerk and mean or whatever you would be remembered better. Not sure if that came out right but hopefully you got the concept.

Perhaps I'm becoming a little more cynical because of my job, since I work with people. At TGIF I'm a busser and I clear the dishes, and at times people just love to place blame on me for the lousy service. I tell them what I have to tell many people who've been mean to me, and that's I'll let your server know. Its kinda like the movie "Waiting" where its hard to believe how you can be mean to a complete stranger, let alone a stranger who is providing you a service. I believe, and I know this will sound biased, but that many people are guilty of the fundamental attribution error. Which is a psychology term that means that people immediately place blame on another thing or person without stopping to think about the circumstances surrounding that event. For example at TGIF I get a typical pissed off customer telling me that they haven't been served for a long time. In this example the customer is guilty of the fundamental attribution error because they are probably going to blame the server for the bad service when it could be the server is so busy because the restaruant is super busy. So the server is being blamed for not providing adequate service to that customer. I always find it amusing how there are so many pissed off customers compared to the understanding customers. From my entire time working at TGIF I've probably had 3 parties that were nice and understanding, the rest were pissed off jerks who yelled at me and the server for the lousy service. It really takes a lot not to yell back at the pissed off customers and just take their yelling.

So I suppose I'm hesitant in trying still be nice in a world that doesn't really seem to care about you. Maybe I'll give a try for a little longer just so I don't become one of those mean jerks out there.