Another Similarity

Last night while I was taking a walk to clear my head it hit me another similarity I have with my parents. I know I posted previously about the similarities I have with my mom and dad, I just wanted to add one more since I missed it when I did that previous post.

The similarity is that me and my dad take walks to clear our heads or to calm down if we're upset. I came to this realization after I walked a little bit, I find it a little amusing how I am similar to my parents. Although I know I have my differences but that's what makes me who I am. Ok back to studying.

What makes us sad?

Sadness. What usually makes one feel that way. It can be a number of things, a bad day, fight with parents, fight with siblings, doing bad on tests, not getting the job, messing up. Many times from that sadness one might feel depressed as a result. What makes one feel depressed? According to modern day science its a result of the lack of neurotransmitters such as dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Or its just how we convince ourselves that we are all alone with that problem. A quote that Michael J. Fox said that I try to remember is "Choose to be happy." Since no one can make you feel the way you do except yourself. In truth I know that its difficult to choose to be happy when one is in the depths of despair. Since a couple of years ago I was depressed, since when I recall what I did and how I acted it actually fits the criteria of depression. So I do know that feeling. I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel depressed at times. There are times I just feel like crap and its difficult to get out of it.

I guess I'm writing this post because I saw a video on youtube about depression and suicide. Rather the person who uploaded it talked about how everyone has different crap we have to deal with, but in his video he said that even if you feel that no one gives a f*@k about you that he gives a f*@k about you. I was quite moved by this since that is exactly how I feel when I feel like crap, that there isn't anyone who cares about me. This is further exacerbated by the fact that I'm 400+ miles away from good friends and family. Since I do think when I'm feeling down "who cares about me at all?" Also another thought is "would anyone care if I were gone" such thoughts would only lead to suicide because the feeling of being alone is really painful and one would want to make the pain end. Again I would be lying if I said I didn't think about suicide. Although something that keeps me going is because I know I've endured so much physical and emotional pain already that I can continue on facing all the pain head on. So to my readers for those who check up on my blog if you feel down, or like crap and feel that there is no one to turn to then I care about you. I care because you take time out of your busy day to read my nonsensical thoughts and ridiculous rants. I care because I don't want to see anyone get hurt because of their sadness, sense if I knew if any of my friends or family were sad I would try my best to cheer them up because I like to see smiles and hear laughter rather than frowns and sobs. So one thing that I think of when I start to feel down and what I saw on the youtube video was "Smile you're alive." Such a humbling thought is enough to make me smile because I know that everyone has different things they have to deal with and it might be worse than whats happening to you, but each day you have a choice in how you feel. So to each day wear a smile when you wake up and sleep with a smile as well. Goodnight

Full Moon out Tonight

Had a random thought after I went through some of my old past entries in my blog. I guess I'll continue to write in this despite a large majority of my friends stop writing in their blogs. Don't get me wrong I still have a few people who continue to blog and I read them from time to time. Going back to my original point, last night instead of studying I was going through my old past blog entries all the way to 2004. Which is 7 years ago, its crazy when I was reading how my past self was writing about. I was trying to think back to how I felt as I read those past entries. It felt kinda nostalgic. I found that my past self is a lot more reflective than my current self, since I guess I find that I rant more then reflect.

Then I got to thinking if I were to talk to my past self what would they say to me seeing me as I am now. Would my past self be glad of the way I turned out or ashamed. Since I wonder how would our past selves react if they knew that they would be doing what my current self is capable of. I guess an example is how as a kid when my dad or grandpa had beer or alcohol and held it up to me to smell I would say it smelled "yucky," who would've thought that years later I would be drinking the very same thing that I once considered disgusting.

Another interesting thing is when I was younger I was pretty much a loner who was shy and didn't want to cause anyone any trouble. Who would have thought that as I grew up and went to high school and college that I would make friends and slowly come out of my shell. I still am a little shy, but I think I'm a lot more outgoing than I was when I was a kid.

I also wonder how would my past self feel if I told him all the struggles he would face that I have already faced. Would my past self be scared or full of fire and passion to take upon those challenges. I wonder how my past self would react if I said that as you grow up you'll face challenges and you'll get hurt and you'll cry. Probably hearing this one would be fearful, but I wonder if my past self would be strong enough to know that they'll stand right back up after getting knocked down. Sometimes I tend to forget that when I fall down that I can get right back up and dust myself off and keep on going. I wonder what I fear in getting back up? Perhaps its that I fear of the pain of falling down again, but that's a little foolish since I've already experienced the pain and that I might as well get back up and keep on going. I guess I tend to forget my quote I put on facebook "Endure life's pain and show this cruel world kind people can still live on..." Since I've seen a lot in life how it only seems that nice guys always finish last since they think too much of others and little of themselves. As I've said before in past and previous posts that I want to show that I'll be the nice guy who finishes first. I guess a reason nice guys finish last is because they don't want to take what would make them happy since it might make someone else sad. At times I struggle to figure out what I want to be happy. After about two years I still find it hard to do things and think of myself to do things that will help myself. I tend to think of how I can make others happy and even if its at the cost of me being happy I would accept it, if it meant that someone else could smile. Although I know that I am only human and that there are times I feel overwhelmed and that at times I wish someone could save me from my unhappiness. Although I know that I don't talk about if I'm feeling down. I guess I don't want to seem like I'm whining and annoying. It's alright though I'll continue to walk my path and endure the slings and arrows of life and show the world that there are nice, kind people still out there.

On an unrelated note I wish I had more time so I could just sit and enjoy the sun while on the grass. Or watch the moon and night sky. There's just so much stuff we do in our lives that we barely take the time to slow down and look. I just got out of a meeting and I looked up at the night sky and saw the full moon. Somehow I was captivated by its beauty, but at the same time saddened because I knew that I would not be able to enjoy the view for very long since I have stuff to do. I think that at the very least people should take five minutes to sit and enjoy the scenery and reflect upon its beauty.

Fighting the good Fight Part II

Just an update from my previous post, I'm feeling better. I was documenting that feeling just so I can reference it later if need be. Life is always about struggles and overcoming them. Life isn't easy and I don't think its meant to be. Since no matter how hard we try to make things simple and easy there's always something that can come along and mess everything up. As I said before I'm learning about letting go of the things I have no control over and making due with what I can control. Cheering myself up while feeling that way was difficult, but I managed to do it. If I can do it then so can you, you being the reader of this post. If its too hard on your own then ask someone for help, and they might do something you haven't tried yet or surprise you with something that will cheer you up. I know that what lies ahead is a lot of stress, work, frustrations, loss of sleep, and challenges but I'm willing to fight the good fight. Bye

Odd Feeling

Wow a blog post in the middle of the day, amazing. Guess its to document something for myself for future reference.

Lately, I have been feeling off. I feel an odd feeling, I don't know what it is really. I just know that it has been interfering with my concentration and my sleep. I don't think the feeling is homesickness since I would miss home, but I feel as if I'm in insomnia mode. I feel I guess you could describe it at a loss, empty, the gnawing feeling of sadness. Or rather the feeling I have tends to make me feel down, despite my best efforts to cheer myself up I start to feel down again.

I don't know why or understand the reason I am feeling this way. All I know is that I don't like feeling this way. Perhaps it would explain my recent streak of insomnia lately. This feeling has a tugging or gnawing feel to which I feel I have to fight off. Although so far no matter how well I seem to fight it off, the odd feeling creeps right back on me. Perhaps I could be in a slump? A tad bit depressed maybe? I don't think I'm depressed since I don't exhibit all the symptoms. Not too sure but I'm using my blog to document and keep this for future reference in case I feel this way again. It is not fun feeling this way, I wish I could stop feeling this way and get back into school mode and be ready to tackle everything that lies ahead. It just seems that this feeling keeps pulling at me despite my best efforts to concentrate. I hope I can overcome this odd feeling soon and not be consumed by it. Once again to my readers I apologize for another mopy post and I hope to feel better soon, but I shall continue to fight the good fight. Bye.

Insomnia Attacks, it's super effective against tired Marcus

Wow been posting quite a lot the past few days on my blog. Guess that's a lot more than my usual post every 6 months or so. As one can tell from the title I think my insomnia has been getting worse. Right now I kinda understand how Edward Norton felt in Fight Club since his character suffered from insomnia as well. I could very well try to sleep right now but I think I would probably toss and turn in bed. I wonder if its my worries that keep me up, since I'm a little worried about the cumulative exam I have when I start school. Another thing I'm worried about is all the crap that's gonna hit me when I start. There'll be school work, club stuff, frat stuff, and SBC stuff. I guess I'll have to really manage my time well this year. No wasting time on facebook or youtube, only on weekends. Or I wonder if its just thoughts I've been having recently. Or I could just be plain homesick since I've only been up in Norcal for about 2 weeks or so.

Right now I feel a tad bit odd. I feel tired but not really tired enough to fall asleep. Also my eyes feel tired and I feel a bit nauseous. Really strange combination if I say so myself. This is really gonna be a post that's a stream of consciousness since I felt I should document my insomnia so I can reference it for the future. This hot weather sucks up in Norcal makes me miss the great Socal weather. When I start thinking about that I start to miss my family and great friends. Maybe its the fun I miss I have when I'm at home. Since I can really relax at home and have random conversations with my brothers which are fun. I can go watch our two bunnies play around in the backyard or just lounge around. I also miss having fun with my friends, since around them I really feel I can be myself and not have to be so guarded. I want to sit and watch the stars with my friends and discuss life and stuff, I want to karaoke, I want to eat some ramen from Shin sen gumi, and right now I'm craving sushi. Wow that was a lot of "I wants" sorry if that sounds selfish but like I said this post is really gonna be a stream of consciousness.

I wonder if my insomnia could be from thoughts that have been coming and going of stuff that I know I have no control over. Not sure. It also kinda sucks that when I feel down there are a lot of things I can do to cheer myself up but when I'm in my "insomnia mode" it just seems that I feel empty. This feeling I find odd since I don't know why I feel that way. Trying to write a poem but I'm having difficulty in writing it out. I have a basic outline of what I want to convey and express. It kinda sucks that I suck at writing poems, since there isn't really a rhythm or rhyme to it. I write what I want to express to my readers. I know my skill in writing poems isn't that great since I took a creative writing course and I thought I could easily write poems, but my professor told me I had a lot to work on it. Although when I get inspiration for a poem I like to write out what's in my heart and put that on the paper as the poem. As corny as that sounds that is me the poet. I don't think I could get any poems I write published, but that can be a hobby of mine once school is out.

I guess I hate to feel this way the way I'm feeling now in my insomnia. Last night couldn't really sleep until about 5am last I remember. I really wish I could just fall asleep easily. Guess the only reason my body falls asleep may be due to the exhaustion it feels.

Its funny how I think my last post was about improving myself to talk to them more. I guess a reason I don't really want to is because I don't want to be a bother to them since I know everyone has their own life and I would feel bad if I were to suddenly disrupt them because I want to "talk." Although the aim chats that I have with some friends do help me feel better. Hmmm maybe an email pen pal could work since people could read it at their leisure and if they wanted to could reply back. Anyone want to be email pen pals from my readers? It's alright if I don't get a response like I said this blog is to post and vent my thoughts so I can feel better by using this as an outlet. I need to be able to overcome this because life isn't easy, it's filled with challenges to overcome. The challenges are not all painless some or many can be quite painful since its life. I guess there are points in life where I could shout "that's not fair!" although that's just it life isn't fair. Something my pastor said at a sermon was "Life is unfair, but life goes on." Which is really true because if life were fair then living life would be easy. I guess I'm afraid of what ups and downs the future holds for me. Since every year I always go through ups and downs. My fear is the fear of the unknown because I don't know what's going to happen I get scared. I try to control what I can but that is futile. I need to learn to let go and let life carry me in all its unexpectedness.

I guess that's enough nonsense for one night. To my readers who read this I appreciate you took the time to read through my nonsense stream of consciousness. Goodnight, well hopefully I'll be able to sleep soon and not in a couple of hours since its 3:30am right now.