Insomnia and Random Thoughts

Been posting a lot, I guess it might be because of my insomnia and being bored. I can definitely say that I'm really glad that I have a roommate since the past two weeks or so I've been by myself in my apartment. I know there are benefits for being by oneself, such as not worrying about bothering anyone while playing music at 3:30am which is what I'm doing now. Although what I have noticed is that when I'm alone I do most of my thinking and its not the good thinking but over-thinking of situations and such. I try to keep myself distracted so I don't think as much, I watch shows online, work out, sleep, or try to clean up my room. Although there are points where I think and it sucks.

Lately, I've also notice my insomnia has gotten worse because I actually got ready for bed early. All I have to do is just brush my teeth, and yet its almost 4am already. Last night kinda sucked for me because I had to wake up early for work but I couldn't sleep until probably 4:30am or 5am. I hope to slowly get my sleep schedule back on track before school starts. Since I know back at home if I'm up until 5am that will be really bad as well.

On another note I saw a movie, New Years Eve, with some friends and it was a good movie with a good message. It made me think about New Years resolutions and thinking about my past self throughout the years. I know I've grown in certain respects and there are areas that I need to improve on which I hope to get to that soon. I guess a new years resolution could be to have a better sleep schedule and to not procrastinate.

Well probably should get to bed and hopefully I'll be able to sleep by 4am. I really need to stop being an insomniac. I do feel tired but its a sort of veil of tiredness not really sleepiness, I know that is weird but its 3:30am its the best I could describe it. I also need to stop doing random things that keep me awake, like finding new shows to watch I can probably make a list or note to watch it later. Arghh, here I go dragging out staying awake. Gonna get ready for bed now, goodnight.

Late night Thoughts and Reflections

I think its been about 3 or 4 days now that I've been by myself in the apartment. It feels odd not having my roommate in the apartment. I suppose the way its been the past couple of days is like if I were to live by myself in a single apartment. There are pros and cons to being by oneself in living situations.

Pros so far I've seen is that I can play my music without worrying about it bothering my roommate. I don't have to worry about making noise when its late and my roommate is asleep, right now I'm playing music and I think it would be a bother to my roommate if he were here now. I can do my work out regime without feeling weird when my roommate comes out and sees me working out, I usually do my workouts late at night to avoid him seeing me. I can watch shows in the kitchen while I cook or eat dinner. I also feel that there is more freedoms I have since I'm by myself.

Cons are that I'm by myself and there's no one to talk to about stuff. This means that its me and my thoughts, which is not such a good thing. Since I over think a lot of things and make a big deal over things that are probably little things. There is no human interaction, unless its when I go out and interact with people. Which over the past few days has been for training for my job, and grocery shopping.

The fact that I'm with my thoughts for the most part of the past few days has made me think about a lot of things. My heart and mind arguments I have I've been thinking about a lot. I know that its my fault that I don't have friends like I do back at home where I can call up and say lets hang out. Since if I feel that if I were to try that up here people would find it weird and such. Also I've noticed my insomnia has gotten worse due to school. Now I stay up until 5am and sleep. Right now its about 2:45 and I should brush up and sleep soon, but I find it appalling at how I'm able to find random stuff to do online or other stuff that keeps me awake until that long. Last night I went to bed around 5am and I actually couldn't sleep until about 5:45am or so since I was tossing and turning. The weird thing is that I was sleepy. I suppose its the thoughts I have that keep me awake. When I sleep I try not to think about anything and let myself drift off to sleep. Last night from what I remember I was thinking about a lot of stuff and I think that may have carried over into my dream, since I had a vivid dream and I think it was due to my thoughts I was having before I slept. The dream was not a good one if you're wondering. I have heard that to distract oneself from thinking too much about stuff is to find things to do to busy yourself. So far its kinda been difficult since there isn't school to take up the bulk of the time. What I have been doing is watching shows online and doing my exercise regime. Today I managed to lift weights and do some push ups. Later on in the day I did my pushup and crunches regime. So I was kinda amazed that I was able to do two exercise regimes in a day. This showed me just how much time I do have now that school is out.

I really don't know why I over-think things and run multiple scenarios in my head. By doing that one would think that I'm good at chess or other strategy games. The truth is I'm not that good. I think it may be because I make my choices more so complicated than they have to be and that ends up confusing me and making me a little afraid to make a choice out of my possible scenarios.

Ugh...I need to fix my sleep schedule so I can sleep earlier. I also need to stop overthinking over things. It has been kinda taxing on me and I feel a little run down because of it. Well anyways its almost 3am I'm going to try sleep soon. Night.

Random Thoughts of an Insomniac

Don't know why I'm awake sometimes. I know that I should be sleeping early. If people would ask me what I'm doing normally I would be studying but now when school is out I'm just awake. The thing is that for the past two days I've stayed awake until 5am. The thing is I do feel tired, I'm tired as I write this and like many posts this is a stream of consciousness. I don't know how I find random things to waste time that keeps me up at this hour. Right now its about 2:30am and I should try to brush up and sleep but for some reason I don't want to. At the same time I start to over-think situations that I know I should just let run its course and see how it goes, but I just start to think about it and it sucks. It's cold up in Norcal and that sucks. What also sucks is that right now I'm alone in my apartment since my roommate went to Nigeria to visit his parents and I'm back up here to work a little bit and make some money. I'll probably post more about being by myself in my apartment later on, since I can probably reflect upon that more. I'm a little anxious about starting work as a pharmacy intern since I don't want to screw up and I want to do a good job. Tomorrow or rather later today I'm going to call my pharmacy manager at the store I'll be working at and arrange my work schedule for the next two weeks. I hope he'll be fine with me going home for the holidays for about 3 weeks. I know its been about 2 days being up here but I really miss home. That might be due to being alone with barely any human interaction save for going into training for work. I know even when I'm back in Socal and it seems that I barely hang out with my friends I still like the fact that that I do have the option. I know that I have great friends back at home and that they're there for me, but I hate how I'm such a fool that I don't try to talk to them either through email, aim, text, or call and just see how they're doing and ask for help and advice. I have done it once asking for advice, despite it being over a silly thing, but it did help me feel better. You know who you are, and you may be one of the few people who still read my blog. I have racked my brain why I don't try to ask for help more often, I don't know if its to not appear weak. Or is it that I'm afraid that if I do ask for help people will find things out about me and they'll stop being friends. I know with good friends it does not matter what they find out about you and that they'll still willing to remain friends. Sometimes I wish I could have friends like I do back in Socal up here in Norcal. I know that I am to blame since I'm not that good at opening up and that I'm shy. It took me a long time to make and establish my friendships I have in Socal, which I am grateful that I have. Maybe its a matter of trust since because of what happened to me up in Norcal a few times I find it a little hard to trust people and believe what people say is truth. I know that sounds really cynical but I try to see the good in people.

Something that sucks about me is that I over-analyze situations and try to come up with many possible scenarios to find the best course of action. A particular situation that involves my heart and mind has proven to be quite annoying. At least during school I was able to drone it out with the work I have and reading and projects. While I was at home I was able to have my family to hang out with and friends to keep it at bay. Now that I have been up here for 2 days without school to keep my busy I find it difficult to find a good scenario to try to accomplish my goal. One thing I try to keep in mind with my scenarios is the aftermath of it in different outcomes. Something about is that although I try to keep a cheerful outlook on things I tend to be a pessimist and it makes my outcomes particularly bad when I come up with scenarios. Because of that I try to think of ways to make the aftermath not as bad. Although unfortunately I haven't been successful in coming up with a good solution. One situation which I keep leaning towards is simple, most direct option; the only bad thing about is that it would make things really awkward not only for that moment but also afterwards as well. It kinda sucks that I am the awkward kind of guy, like I've put it before I'm the Asian Michael Cera, I know that I don't mind awkward situations but I know people usually hate them. Another option I thought of is the one of doing nothing and letting it go, but I would hate to let an opportunity go. In my opinion I would rather try my best and fail then to not try at all. Right now I'm rambling and I should sleep since its almost 3am and I have to wake up at 9am.

Ugh this insomnia sucks I keep thinking too much, I need to try to find something to get my mind off of it. I don't know why I keep over thinking things that shouldn't really be a big deal. Maybe I just need a hug I don't know.