Broken Down

An interesting thing had occurred on this night and wanted to partially document it for myself. Seeing as this blog has fallen off the wayside of many people's radar of which is understandable since with many changes that occur people forget and or lose the blog links they once had. Unless they post the link up somewhere. I feel that this blog is to float about in the internet to be seen by strangers rarely only to wonder of my madness.

The curious thing that happened was that I feel that I had a sort of mental breakdown of some sort. Not too sure as to what brought it about. Could be stress, reflections upon my increasing cynicism, feelings of loneliness and isolation. One could argue why did I not try to reach out. A sad answer which may make me sound depressed is that I feel as  though I would be burdening others. I don't want my mom to worry since she has enough on her plate. I suppose everything was all bottled up and burst upon this night. My insomnia has been getting worse to note as well. With no one seemingly to turn to I cried out to God and Jesus and laid out everything that was within me. It was a curious scene as I was laughing hysterically upon dreadful things, ex. thoughts of how I have no one to reach out to and how I further isolated myself by moving to a different state, how I may appear a judgmental hypocrite. To crying over all the regrets that I have and how I must appear dreadful to others and how I struggle to do well but it seems like its not good enough.

This went on for about 45 minutes or so I believe. At the moment it is 3:19am and feeling a little better. If I had to place myself I could argue I have partial depression of some sort. I should probably ready myself for bed and hope to grab some sleep.

Love and relationships reflections

Guess its again time for some late night reflections during this cold night. A few things that I have noticed while working is when I review patients charts to figure out a therapeutic plan for them there is some things that I have seen that is quite touching. And that is how some people's love for one another can keep them together for so long. Again something that some may take for granted, one example is our parents. How they remain together to raise their children putting forth the care for children above their own most times. It always amazes me that concept of love.

My experience with dating has been tumultuous with my longest relationship being approximately 3 years. In terms of dating that may seem long but in thinking of people whom are married for 10 plus years is amazing. It amazes me how people can remain together and accept one another despite the arguments and disagreements. One thing I've seen in some patient notes is how the wife is the caregiver for the patient and how they love their husband so much that they are willing to care for them during their debilitating  condition. It could be just my bad experiences that I am a little cynical since people could always leave you once you become useless to them. Something that I felt in the relationships I have been in so far.

Feeling cold and tired so my thoughts above may not be the most coherent but just wanted to document these thoughts somehow.