Happiness Is...

Looking through movie quotes instead of doing my essay and I found this one from Closer. The scene is with Clive Owen as Larry and Jude Law as Dan talking about happiness.

Dan: "Everybody wants to be happy."
Larry: "Depressives don't. They want to be unhappy to confirm that they're depressed. If they were happy they wouldn't be depressed anymore. They'd have to go out into the world and live. Which can be depressing."
(Closer. 2004)

After looking at that quote and reflecting about it, I started to think about what happiness is to me and to other people in the world. Do people truely want to be happy or do they want to feel depressed. Is the happiness that one observes not genuine, but something others fake so that other people won't feel awkward around them. For me I do genuinely feel happy when I'm with other people and having fun. I really do enjoy that, but when I'm sitting alone in my room I start to think and that starts to get me depressed.

So lately I've been thinking about what happiness is to me. I guess to me happiness is that warm fuzzy feeling I get when I'm with friends. The happiness allows me to have fun with friends and enjoy myself. Although when I think that my friends are doing well I find out that not everything is well and then I start to feel depressed because I try to make sure everyone has a good time. Since I hate it when I hurt people, makes me start to think whether or not if I should revert back to my shy/loner self since that way I wouldn't be able to hurt others.

This results in me being depressed, so I guess for me there is a balance between my happiness and depression. So if I'm depressed for a long time then I'm due for some happiness and vice versa. I do agree with the quote since when I'm happy, that euphoria only lasts for a while and when I start thinking about the world I start to feel depressed. Since when I think about my problems and how that out in the world my problems seem like nothing, so that keeps me from complaining, but it does make me feel depressed.

Lately, I've been having some ups and downs but mostly downs. Although I've enjoyed the few ups that I've had which is good I suppose. I guess saddness and depression is something that will never completely go away, sort of like a mental illness, you can think that you're over it but you're not completely over it. When I'm depressed the world seems so much greyer and it feels that I'm apathetic to the world. Like I'm almost numb to the world, except I only feel saddness and a few pangs of happiness here and there. At times I feel like crying, but its not that I don't want to, its that I can't. All I can do at most is just get teary eyed and that's it. Crying is a good way to get out all the negative things that build up in someone, but what can you do when you haven't cried in the last four years. Hugs do help, even though I rarely do hug people since I don't know if they're comfortable with it. Since all the hugs that I've received I was the one accepting it and not the one giving it. Oh well, I guess I always have my squish pillow that I can hug.

Wow this is a very depressing post, I must apologize to the readers if they've become depressed as a result of my post.

Edit: My speaker in my left headphone is still broken, aim hasn't been working all day, plus I think I'm coming down with a cold >_<