Nonsensical Rants and Reflections

Hmmm...haven't posted in a while so I guess I'll just post what's been on my mind lately. *Sigh* midterms are this week and next week. I guess around midterms and stuff I tend to get a little bit depressed/sad/ very reflective. Since I tend to think about a lot of things besides the midterms and stuff. For example I think about life, my life specifically, and whether or not if I'm living it correctly. In addition to this I tend to think about the people in my life and stuff. So I caution the reader that this is a long post and is quite depressing.

Lately, I've been thinking about how I was able to meet the friends in my life. Since for the greater part of my life I was a loner and did not really get to know anyone. Although, could it be that I was a loner that I didn't get to know anyone or is it that I don't want to bother burdening people with me and all my problems, if any, but yeah this is one thing that has been kinda bothering me.

Also lately, I've tried to remember how I've met all my friends and write it down somewhere so I can read it when I get old. In high school generally for me I met people by hanging out with the same group of people and eventually I started to hang out more and more with the same group of people and became good friends with them, which I'm quite thankful for. Although for college it is sort of hard for me to remember how I met everyone since I didn't know anyone else here except Rajiv so I had to try to make new friends on my own, which is quite difficult for me. However, on this I've been thinking what is it that make people become friends with complete strangers? How are people able to feel comfortable with someone they've never met before and become friends. When I first came to UCR I didn't know anyone in my hall except for Rajiv. So to my friends in my hall I was a stranger to them. Although as the quarter slowly went on I got to know these people and became friends with them. I just wonder what makes people start to feel comfortable around someone to the point where they can hang out and have fun. Could it be that they enjoy the company of that person that they start to feel more and more comfortable with them or is it that one person sees that they can use the other. *sigh* Its that darker side of people that makes me depressed since one does not know if they are being used or not. I don't make friends so that I can use them, I make friends so that I can hang out and enjoy their company.

Anyways on to my next rant/reflection. How everyone in this world are inherently selfish. Even though people may not like to admit it, to a degree everyone is selfish. I'm selfish, and I think that I delude myself into thinking that I'm not by trying to help others. Its a very depressing thought that everyone is selfish and only looking out for themselves. For me I try to look out for others, but I don't know whether if I'm deluding myself again. Since people can only be so nice before they expect something in return for being so nice. Although I don't know about myself whether or not if I expect something in return for being so nice. I mean I enjoy being nice to people because when your nice to people they tend to be nicer to others and those people will be nice to other people and so and so forth. I'll probably figure it out about me someday.

Is it possible to be surrounded by people, yet still feel alone. Since at times I do feel alone even though if I may not show it. At times when I'm with a group of people I just feel so small, alone, and insignificant in this big big world. Also it seems that many people have a confidant to talk to about stuff, and I don't seem to have any. Maybe its that I don't want people to burden people with my problems, since I think I'm able to deal with them by myself. I also find that there are a lot of things going on without me knowing, since I tend not to know anything until its too late. So that kinda depresses me because I want to help people out, but I can't do a thing if I don't know about it. As a result I feel bad since I want to make sure that everyone is ok and doing well, but I guess no one can know everything.

Edit:
One speakers on my headphones just broke, i'm sad now -_-