Too much thinking, too much reflecting...

Wow another post or note, depending if you're reading this on facebook or on my blog. I guess after my bad day at work it made me think alot about why I am the way I am and how I fit into this world. Haha I sound like a philosopher. I suppose the bad day at work served as a catalyst which made me reflect upon a lot thats happened in my life.

In addition to thinking about why I'm such a nice guy I've also been thinking about human nature. Since I remembered writing an essay about that for one of the supplemental applications I wrote for pharmacy school applications. Its amusing and sad how I have always seen and experienced the worst of human nature. I know that I probably sound like a cynic but this is what I have been reflecting on so you can judge me later. Also I know that I sound like I'm judging human nature based upon my bad experiences and that one could point out that I could be a hypocrite because who is to say that I might also somehow embody the parts of human nature that has hurt me. I'm not saying that I am free of the vices and flaws of human nature, I've just been reflecting upon it and I just wanted to vent on it.

One thing that continues to confuse me is why I am so freaking nice!? I feel as though sometimes me being so nice is my greatest weakness because I care too much about people, only to have those people whom I care so much for to think little of me. Since like I mentioned about my bad day I cared enough about those people to update them about their food and they apparently didn't appreciate it, instead one lady chose to yell at me and make me feel horrible. Obviously after this the lady probably did not have a second thought to think how I was feeling through that ordeal. Which shows me that human nature is to be selfish and self-centered. Some of you may tell me not to take stuff like that too personally, but it is difficult since I care so much. I find it amusing how people only seem to look out for their own happiness while crushing other people's happiness. It kind of astounds me how some people can be so cruel and unfeeling to look out for their own happiness. Oh well those people may say they feel guilty that they crushed others under their feet, but they are probably using it as words to make them feel better. In reality as long as they are happy then no one else's happiness matters. Sometimes I wish I could be one of those people who are unfeeling and take their happiness instead of earning it. Why is it I work so hard to get so little? While others who take what they want receive to much. It kind of makes me jealous and envious, so much so that I want to punch those kinds of people in the face. Even if I tried to act cruel and heartless I would end up probably apologizing to the people I have crushed and try to help them back up.

Its that part of me that is nice which wants to try to help everyone I can. This also can lead to me being taken advantage of, being manipulated or used. Something my mom would fear for me since she saw how nice I was and willing to help without any reward. At some points in my life I can see that I was indeed being used by others while I naively thought I was helping my friends. One would think why are there people whom use others like that? An answer would be to help them accomplish a goal they do not want to work for so they get someone else to do it. I liken myself to the typical sitcom or movie character who is the nice guy and gets pushed around and never wins and is always the minor character to the main character who's usually a jerk.

Also it saddens me to be disappointed by people because they fall prey to what I have always seen in human nature, selfishness and greed. Also how people could work things out but many are unwilling to because they rather not to, since it would be too difficult and that's anther aspect of human nature I hate. I know from tv shows and movies that people will continuously fail, I never thought that I would experience it first hand. I also know that I have also disappointed others as well but it was not because I simply gave up it was because I tried my best and fell short.

Everytime I am shown how ugly human nature is it only saddens me because despite how I have tried to maintain a strong character to try to show others that there is still good in human nature, nothing in this world can be changed by me. I know thats a pretty depressing, morbid thought but thats how I feel. One would think that after enduring all of these trials and disappointments that I am entitled to be bitter and angry with the world. That it would be alright if I retaliated and tried to get vengeance upon those who have wronged me, disappointed me, hurt me, cause me pain. I know that I could be capable of enacting my revenge upon people, there is so much I can do that people do not know I can which kind of scares me. The really sad and foolish thing is that I do not feel that way at all. As much it seems that I am entitled to wish misfortune upon people who have wronged me, I do not wish that at all. Even strangers who hurt me, like the lady mentioned in my bad day I do not wish misfortune upon her. Even people who are closer to me who I find out that hurt me I do not wish anything bad to occur to them, instead I hope that they are safe and alright. Many of you could call me a fool for feeling this way, and that I have an idealized view of how people should act.

Some of you might also say that thats just how life is its unfair and uncaring and we have to adapt to it. Foolishly I have a view where I could use my strong character to demonstrate to everyone that human nature has not completely gone rotten. No matter how much I get hurt because of my resolve to remain kind even when receiving hate I will continue to endure it. I believe that scars are not ugly, but they show you how much you have endured and continued to live. I feel this is true for both the scars one can see on the outside and the ones one cannot see in the heart and soul. "Life is unfair, but life goes on" a quote from my pastor which helps understand that enduring life's pains and disappointments is what can strengthen us. No matter how much it may seem foolish that I continue to maintain my kind nature, I will walk onward taking all the pain head-on with a smile on my face.