Random Thoughts of an Insomniac

Don't know why I'm awake sometimes. I know that I should be sleeping early. If people would ask me what I'm doing normally I would be studying but now when school is out I'm just awake. The thing is that for the past two days I've stayed awake until 5am. The thing is I do feel tired, I'm tired as I write this and like many posts this is a stream of consciousness. I don't know how I find random things to waste time that keeps me up at this hour. Right now its about 2:30am and I should try to brush up and sleep but for some reason I don't want to. At the same time I start to over-think situations that I know I should just let run its course and see how it goes, but I just start to think about it and it sucks. It's cold up in Norcal and that sucks. What also sucks is that right now I'm alone in my apartment since my roommate went to Nigeria to visit his parents and I'm back up here to work a little bit and make some money. I'll probably post more about being by myself in my apartment later on, since I can probably reflect upon that more. I'm a little anxious about starting work as a pharmacy intern since I don't want to screw up and I want to do a good job. Tomorrow or rather later today I'm going to call my pharmacy manager at the store I'll be working at and arrange my work schedule for the next two weeks. I hope he'll be fine with me going home for the holidays for about 3 weeks. I know its been about 2 days being up here but I really miss home. That might be due to being alone with barely any human interaction save for going into training for work. I know even when I'm back in Socal and it seems that I barely hang out with my friends I still like the fact that that I do have the option. I know that I have great friends back at home and that they're there for me, but I hate how I'm such a fool that I don't try to talk to them either through email, aim, text, or call and just see how they're doing and ask for help and advice. I have done it once asking for advice, despite it being over a silly thing, but it did help me feel better. You know who you are, and you may be one of the few people who still read my blog. I have racked my brain why I don't try to ask for help more often, I don't know if its to not appear weak. Or is it that I'm afraid that if I do ask for help people will find things out about me and they'll stop being friends. I know with good friends it does not matter what they find out about you and that they'll still willing to remain friends. Sometimes I wish I could have friends like I do back in Socal up here in Norcal. I know that I am to blame since I'm not that good at opening up and that I'm shy. It took me a long time to make and establish my friendships I have in Socal, which I am grateful that I have. Maybe its a matter of trust since because of what happened to me up in Norcal a few times I find it a little hard to trust people and believe what people say is truth. I know that sounds really cynical but I try to see the good in people.

Something that sucks about me is that I over-analyze situations and try to come up with many possible scenarios to find the best course of action. A particular situation that involves my heart and mind has proven to be quite annoying. At least during school I was able to drone it out with the work I have and reading and projects. While I was at home I was able to have my family to hang out with and friends to keep it at bay. Now that I have been up here for 2 days without school to keep my busy I find it difficult to find a good scenario to try to accomplish my goal. One thing I try to keep in mind with my scenarios is the aftermath of it in different outcomes. Something about is that although I try to keep a cheerful outlook on things I tend to be a pessimist and it makes my outcomes particularly bad when I come up with scenarios. Because of that I try to think of ways to make the aftermath not as bad. Although unfortunately I haven't been successful in coming up with a good solution. One situation which I keep leaning towards is simple, most direct option; the only bad thing about is that it would make things really awkward not only for that moment but also afterwards as well. It kinda sucks that I am the awkward kind of guy, like I've put it before I'm the Asian Michael Cera, I know that I don't mind awkward situations but I know people usually hate them. Another option I thought of is the one of doing nothing and letting it go, but I would hate to let an opportunity go. In my opinion I would rather try my best and fail then to not try at all. Right now I'm rambling and I should sleep since its almost 3am and I have to wake up at 9am.

Ugh this insomnia sucks I keep thinking too much, I need to try to find something to get my mind off of it. I don't know why I keep over thinking things that shouldn't really be a big deal. Maybe I just need a hug I don't know.