Stressed and Insomnia

Stress is not a great feeling, neither is feeling creeping feeling of panic. Of late kinda had some mini panic attacks and kept me up a bit. I call them mini panic attacks since I still have the feeling of worry along with my heart beating really quickly and me feeling it beating in my chest. Its not a very comfortable feeling since it also makes me worry since at one point when I had a physical I was told I had a heart murmur. This really worried me to the point that I had additional tests done. Prior to my test (echocardiogram) I would feel my heart beating and I thought I would feel an abnormal heart beat. The good news is that my test showed everything was normal, but my worry is because my heart rate races I hope that this is not making it worse for my heart.

Along with my insomnia I have random thoughts of stuffs. Of late since my heart has been slightly paining me I've reflected upon my past relationships. So far in my life I can say that I have dated two different girls. Both unfortunately have ended poorly and my heart getting hurt. I know I may sound melodramatic, because I know there are probable others whom have been just as hurt as badly too but this is to document my thoughts and rants and reflections. Guess my mind tends to drift back to those painful memories because I sometimes think I deserve to feel bad because of my failure to be a better boyfriend. Since I sometimes have those "what-ifs" thoughts could I have changed the course the relationship took. I know I shouldn't dwell on this past but being stressed out about a lot of stuff my mind tends to break down and I start to feel bad. Sorry for this sad post, but seeing as not many people read this blog anymore I wanted to write this down to remind myself in the future how far I've come and how much stronger I am. Just gotta dust myself off from this, but will take a little time.