Late night reflections

It has been a while since I last posted on this blog. Amusingly I posted to document my thoughts and rantings. Although further thought into it may be that I used this to try to get others to acknowledge me. One of the so called bloggers of this time where people read and make comments. Guess what I'm trying to say is that using it as an outlet to make myself feel better about myself. Oddly enough the blogging age seems to have died out since rarely anyone from my friends blogs still, even my brother his blog fell by the wayside. I understand that this is all due to other outside more pressing issues.

Funny enough I still use this to document my thoughts and rants. In my insomnia haze my mind tends to drift to the "not too good" thoughts I call them. Been out in South Dakota for my second year residency for about 2 months or so. It is busy, my mind is fried from the lack of sleep and stress. As I mentioned I'm writing this as a stream of consciousness so one day I can reflect back upon my madness. Just as Edgard Allen Poe's quote, "I became insane with horrible periods of sanity" or something along those lines. Since I'm just so awkward and weird around people that I don't know how to act. I continue to feel that I do not belong anywhere. Where I crave acknowledgement from others to reaffirm that I exist in this world. Small things I did to keep my sanity I would try to keep in touch with friends and guess I took it to the extreme with one of my friends. Though my intentions were good as always I take too much. My friend informed me that I should tone it down from what I was doing, which was a text wishing well for the day. Although upon reflection if someone were to do that to me I would get annoyed as well. Guess I don't understand people, which makes me feel even more as an outcast, because I thought that being friends for so long stuff like that wouldn't matter. However guess it would be annoying to have that done everyday, perhaps I did it to make myself feel better in some weird way. Upon being informed that it was too much hurt me but its understandable since unless one is receiving a text from someone whom they want to it can be annoying to receive the same text everyday. Its funny and kinda sad as how when I received that text informing me that I should tone it down I had a flashback to how my ex s hurt me. Reflecting I found it hard to figure out why, a reason may be since that I assumed that both cases each thing shouldn't have been an issue. Funny how this has become a sort of private blog in a sense because no one really reads this, may be because how the new facebook layout has it hidden underneath its user interface.

Since then it still stings a little bit because it has me reassessing how weird I must appear to others in my behavior. Guess good friends are to keep in touch, but not to the extend of wishing well everyday. My mindset must have been that it would help my friend feel good knowing that someone out there was wishing well. Although as usual I tend to push things too far and even though I am willing to help my friends some would call it too much. Guess my reasoning to do so is that I've never been good at making many friends, with being awkward and all. Since I couldn't really fit in during school I guess I was bullied and that sucked, but somehow I found myself with my friends that I keep in touch still today. We all have our quirks, guess that's what drew me to them. Although being out so far from home I feel vulnerable and with all this stress I don't have anyone to talk it out to. Some may say what about family. I would, but knowing my mom it would only give her more grey hairs and I do not want her to worry about me. Which makes me feel alone all the way out here, I try to get to know my co-workers but feels weird since most people separate work and personal life. At least when I was in school I was around people who at least acted like they cared and wanted to hang out.

Sometimes I feel my mind fading into the not so great place. A maelstrom of stress, worry, fear, sadness, and anger and me trapped within its grasp. Guess for me this is life and its hard. This is one of my burdens and I have to own up to it, I can't dump it on other people since that would only make myself a burden to others and annoy them. Wish I could end this on a better note but anyways this is to document my thoughts and state of mind to help express myself and feel better. Guess if any of my friends do stumble upon this don't feel bad for me since attitude is something we choose and at the moment I'm not doing too great, but its my struggle and hopefully I'll be able to get back up and get into the swing of things.