Late night musings/reflections...

Must be the lack of sleep coupled with my insomnia and headache, but some random thoughts I thought was interesting to document my thoughts...

There are times I wonder why I'm so sensitive and care too much for others. Even my patients I've found I care too much and  try to do more than I should. A character trait of which one could call my particular character flaw. My parents were always concerned that others would take advantage of my kind nature. There have been times I realized this and felt saddened when this happened to me as I was growing up. Something that I have noticed is how people deal when they are in power. You can tell a lot from a person's personality based upon how they will use power. An interesting example I've heard is see how people treat those in the service industry since they are there to serve you. If they treat them well then you have someone who will utilize power in a gentle manner without abusing it. Although if the person mistreats them and doesn't respect those in the service industry then they may use that power to destroy and to bolster their own ego. Again it's late and I'm in insomnia mode so if this doesn't make sense that's why. A thought that I had is that am I too kind to demand what I want or to use the power when I have it to make it known how I should be treated. Must be past experience with being bullied growing up that makes me feel that perhaps I deserve the treatment I'm getting. Irony is how in life when I've tried to get some things or ask for things I'm denied it. This can be confusing for me because the things that I'm denied/rejected or pushed back makes me wonder if I ever will get what I want. A morbid thought indeed. Although it makes me wonder that could be contributing why when I'm asked "what do you want" I'm always puzzled a that question. Since it would seem that my experiences in life how when I ask for certain things I don't get it and it's always an unreasonable request.

Another tragic character flaw that I have or perhaps what irks me the most is when I'm ignored. It could be that my past two ex's utilized this as passive aggressive acts against me. Instead of talking to me about the issues that there was they played with me and would ignore me. One thing that annoys me with technology is how impersonal it is and how one can use email, text, or messaging to talk to people. An annoying thing is getting an email/text/instant message and then replying to it awaiting an answer. Call me old fashioned but I would've thought that if you phrase an email/text/message a certain way then I would naturally respond, I would know the "conversation is over" when there is closure to the discussion. Although most times my ex's wouldn't close the conversation only making the start of the conversation in a cryptic fashion where there was an issue, when I try to message back I don't get anything and even calling they wouldn't answer. Even when brought up when I saw them in person they would deny it and make it seem like my fault that I didn't make an effort to fix what was discussed. Guess this is why I like to have my important discussions in person or face to face so the tone and facial expression can be assessed and that one can have better closure to the conversation.

There's probably other thoughts that will keep me up but I figure i should make attempt to sleep at 4am. Farewell my random readers...