Thoughts

Wow so many posts in so little time, guess it must be saying something about my state of mind. The exhaustion, insomnia, headache isn't helping my concentration and neither is my stress. Although I was able to talk to my mom about various things which was good because it helped a bit. Unfortunately I'm still in the habit of not telling her the full story since I do not want her to worry.

This headache haze especially now is not pleasant. It's making my mind drift to unpleasant thoughts as well. How unfortunate that I happen to be on my blog to write this stream of consciousness. It must be my homesickness I'm feeling but I miss my family and friends. So much so that I've been reflecting on the term friends. A scene I always think of when I think of my friends is one from Tombstone with Kurt Russel and Val Kilmer as Wyatt Erap and Doc Holiday, the scene basically is Doc Holiday has TB and is out helping Wyatt get revenge for his family. In the old days there was not much in the way of treating TB aside from rest and Doc Holiday was out riding horses and running about, the scene has Doc coughing up a spell and another character asking him why is he doing this for Wyatt and that he should be in bed. Doc's response is that "Wyatt Earp is my friend", the other character replies "Hell I got a lot of friends" to which Doc replies with "I don't." This scene has always had a powerful influence on me since I don't really have much in the way of good friends. I've seen fake friends come and go throughout my years and it saddens me when I know that I'm "not really" friends with someone. An example is someone whom I thought was my friends during pharmacy school, he was my drinking buddy essentially and one who got me into drinking IPA beers. This was similarly true with my other friends I met in pharmacy school, since I do not keep in touch with them at all. This makes me regret at how awkward I am towards others and can't seem to hold onto new friends. Which is why I suppose with my group of friends that I still keep in contact I try to do as much as I can to help them. To them it may seem odd, but for me its because I treasure my friendship with them that I'm willing to do what must be done to help them out all within my power. I would like to think of all the friends I still keep in touch with as my best friends. Hopefully they share the same sentiment otherwise it would sadden me. Much like Holden from Catcher in the Rye, I'm saddened to see how many phony adults are out there and how they say call me if you need anything. I question if they truly mean it because why would anyone want to help me. It could be that I try to give so much that at times I forget to look inward and think about taking care of myself. Don't know if this makes any sense. Well whatever, I should get ready for bed its going to be 3 and gotta wake up by 7...Bye