Odd thoughts on late night...

Recently I have found myself feeling off and not knowing why. At first I had thought it was simply loneliness as I have been living by myself in South Dakota for past year. It may have been at first, however I'm feeling it more and more as my residency is coming to a close. Perhaps it's a mixture of sadness and fear from being away from home so long.

It may be a homesick feeling but that what it may have been at the start. Although as time went on perhaps it became something much more. I think its a fear of knowing how much home has changed for me. Not only my home but my friends and family. Since starting pharmacy school and my residencies I have not lived at home, with the exception of holidays, for about six years. In that span of times I have seen changes in my friends and family.

One thing I notice every time I come home is how much older my parents look to me and I always wonder how I never had noticed it. Also issues with my extended family's health which my mom has kept me informed is something that seems surreal as I haven't been home to see it first hand. I'm also surprised at the changes that my friends had went through as well. Perhaps this is what a soldier feels when they come home after a long tour of duty. I'm glad to be done with my residencies to finally come back to California, but maybe I'm feeling an underlying fear.

A fear of since my friends have gotten so used to being without me that they no longer need me. Likely these are ridiculous thoughts, but it can be hard to not think that when I'm home and try to hang out with people and everyone else seems to be busy with their own lives to hang out. A selfish thought I know, but it can only deepen my feelings of loneliness and isolation since this was a path I chose for myself. At times I wonder if I resigned myself to this fate. Just some lonely musing on this late night as my insomnia keeps me prisoner.