Random Thoughts of a recovering insomniac and is trying to get over a cold

That was quite a long title for this post, but anyway I wanted to post something that I recently thought about and wanted to get down before I forgot. Well I'm back home after my fall semester at CNCP. About 1.5 years worth of school done about 2.5 left. I hope to hang out with my friends during this break and to relax and try to set my sleep schedule back on track. Since I think I developed insomnia while at school since I studied so much I ended up staying up to about 5am was the latest I stayed up a few times. Which sucked since on weekends I couldn't sleep until at least 4am.

Enough about that I'll get back to what I wanted to write down and such. One this is that I have to admit one of my greatest fears is the fear of the unknown, the uncertainty. I would like it if I could prepare for anything and everything, but I cannot unfortunately. If I could prepare for everything I would. Prepare myself with the knowledge of how to handle that particular situation, prepare the necessary tools for that situation, and prepare myself mentally to handle the situation. Since it is the unknown that can throw us off balance because we are not prepared for it. Unfortunately in life we cannot prepare for everything and sometimes life can go one way and throw you for a loop since you're not prepared for it.

I have had many experiences both good and bad that have been unexpected and that I was not prepared for. For many of those events I afterward think, I wish I had known this was going to happen so I could get myself ready for it. I believe that my fear of uncertainty is probably from my desire that I want to be in control in my situations. I don't know if I got it from my mom who is also a little bit controlling as well, but I think that a little bit its human nature to want to be in control of your life. Which in reality we have no real control over at all.

I don't know what my reader's religious views are, but I am a Christian and I feel and I struggle to accept that in my life I have absolutely no control over what is going to happen in the future for me, and that God has a plan for me and I have to accept and have faith and follow my path in life. Sometimes I struggle because these past few years I have been through a lot of heartache, struggle, and pain. I know that those experiences are a part of life and that there is no avoiding it, but I guess I ask myself the same question others ask when bad things happen to them, "why me? why did this have to happen? Could the outcome have been different somehow? Such questions is what I struggle with to accept that I have no control in what is going to happen in my life and I need to accept and have faith in God that all these experiences are necessary for me for what he holds for me in the future. I'll admit sometimes I fear the future and its uncertainty because if it holds more pain then I would rather find a way to avoid it if possible, but there is no way to avoid something that is set.

Although the one thing I believe that we can control is our attitude at our current moment. We can be all mopey and sad or we can stand up after being knocked down and walk with our head held high. I think Michael J. Fox said it best in this quote: "Choose to be happy" since nothing is really keeping you from being happy but yourself. I struggle with this since sometimes thoughts of the past and fears of the future can weigh my heart down but I need to be strong and walk knowing that God has a plan for me and that even though the events that have happened to me I don't know the reason why for it, in the end I know that the answer will become clear one day.

On another note I have been watching Lie to Me, a show on Fox, on Hulu and I sometimes find myself watching people's faces and their expression and making notes to myself on how they are reacting to their conversations. I try to test to see if I can see any of what I've seen on Lie to Me on those people's faces. I also find I do that while I talk to people as well, which may weird them out because I may seem to be intently looking at their face.

Anyway I'm going to try to sleep and wake up at 11am tomorrow. Goodnight.