Fighting the good fight

I believe that there's a saying going something like "I'm my own worst enemy." To which that this is very true for myself. I wonder if this may be due to how I try to hold everything in within myself with few outlets, so sometimes I bottle things up. Yea, I know that's bad to do since I've read a lot of things on how it's always better to discuss with others and let others help share your burden. I suppose I'm a lot like Michael J. Fox's character on Scrubs in the episode "My Catalyst" since in that episode his character has severe OCD but is still able to function as the best doctor. In short Michael J. Fox's character causes the main character and other characters to feel that they are not good enough since Michael's character outperforms them all. The end the main character, JD, is going to confront Michael's character about this, but finds him washing his hands after surgery. After some discussion JD says this reflectively in his head afterward "I think owning your burdens is half the battle."

This also brings up how people around you also have challenges they face and their own burdens. I am aware of this so I don't really want to add to their burdens and make their life harder. Perhaps it might be the way I am that I don't really want to dump my burdens on others because it might make them worry, sad, or feel bad for me. I don't know if its because I want to seem strong but like Superman I do have my limits sometimes. Sometimes I wonder why I try to take all the hardships and trials by myself and endure all the pain. I know when you have someone to talk to, rant to, or just plain talk to it always makes them feel better. Since I watched an episode of an anime and a quote they said was "friends are there to share the burden." This is something I tend to forget because like I said due to my mindset.

Probably having that mindset to own my own burdens before I try to talking with others sometimes makes things worse for myself. At times I can barely own up to all my burdens before I'm swamped with more crap that's going on.

I know the reader might be wondering "Well why don't you talk to your friends in Norcal?" I would but I guess after a few experiences I find it a little difficult to trust people and since people suck at keeping secrets it eventually becomes gossip that floats around class. Which is a bad thing about our small class size. I suppose I miss my friends from Socal whom I can trust. Also sometimes I wonder also if talking about my problems would I sound like I'm whining or complaining. I don't know, its late about 3:45am and its hot in my room, and I'm a little homesick, I'm stressing out about the milestone exam (basically cumulative test on material on past year), stressing about this coming year, and thinking too much about crap that sometimes make me feel down.

Don't get me wrong I am always glad to listen to a friend and help them out by giving them my perspective. I'm just frustrated that I have a hard time sharing what's bothering me with others. So readers if your my friend don't feel bad about talking to me about stuff that's bothering you, because to me if I can help a friend feel happy or better after talking then I would gladly do that. I consider the happiness others a top priority and if I can help my friends keep their happiness so they didn't have to feel sad or down then I'm always glad to help. I'm the fool who needs to learn to depend on others, so my friends don't get the wrong idea about this entry if you need someone to talk to and you want to talk to me don't be afraid to call me, AIM message me, or email. I have been learning about life and that is one thing I have been trying to work on improving in myself. I do apologize if this post seems all mopy but I guess I'm feeling homesick and a little stressed out. If you read this entire stream of consciousness I had about this then I thank you, and if you know me leave a comment saying hi. Goodnight